Our Journey called LIFE

Finding about ourselves is a difficult journey, but wonderful in its own... I’m sure you've heard the phrase psychological writers, 12 steppers et al toss about, “the journey to self”... It fits for me soooo much... Our journey, our life.... In an earlier posting I shared with you about my partner Ross dying in 1993. When Ross died, and he didn’t pass on, go to sleep, he died and passed over into whatever that is after we die, I turned to him, and looked at him that 4:44 am, January 28th, 1993, and I realized he was now dead on our bed. His body was cooling off, I saw the life was going out of him... He was slumped over, his journey was done... Our journey together as we knew it was over. I actually said out loud, “This is the end of Ross Stewart Thayer, and the end of Jim and Ross”, at least as it had existed. So often when we traveled around the country, that same bed had been where we would place our bags to be packed for the next trip, or journey. It was a convenient place to work with them. When we traveled, we mostly used soft black leather duffles... As we placed them on the bed to pack, they would be limp and slumped ... But as we filled them up for the journey, they took a shape, they had a purpose... almost like a personality.. They had positive feelings about them as we would talk about what we were going to take, and what we might need on the trip. Swimsuits, cameras, maps, daily clothes...

At the end of our trip, we would place those bags back on that bed to unpack. Removing the things from the trip, from that journey. The things that made it a journey from the dirty laundry, to the extra clothes, to the things we had taken to read, to the used airline ticket stubs, and the mementos of the trip we had picked up along the way.

As we unloaded them, the bags would start to sag and slump... and sadly, we realized the journey was over... but we knew the memories we made during the trip, the journey, were still with us, and would be for the rest of our lives.

As Ross slumped in the bed, and his journey on this earth was over, as our lives together ended, he reminded me of the empty duffles, they had served us well, as had his body, but he didn’t need it anymore. And from then on he would be part of my life, and part of me, internally, as a memory, legacy. And his impact on me affects all those who I deal with everyday.

The memories are what we have, the memories are what make our journey worth it. Memories are what make a relationship, a friendship, a LIFE. Pets are a great example, your pet hamster, your cat, and your dog all will have a shorter life span than you, and they will die... But their time with you should give some great memories for you, and they should have a wonderful time with you, playing and enjoying your love and affection. And they too will help you have memories.

Make your journey productive. Leave a legacy, impact those around you, and those who come after you. Too often someone says, ‘If I can just help one person, I’ve done well’, nope... that would be a waste of your talents, spread good things, teach someone to sing, to dance, to enjoy, or even just to look. Awe and wonder is the parent of the child inside of all of us, and the child is what keeps us humming... Use your talent. Make your journey worth it.
dr. g. 2005

11/16/2005 thawts

Good Evening
this picture is the trail across the grand canyon when you head out of the south rim main lodge area and intend to go to the river, or if you are an idiot like me, and you plan on hiking across the canyon to the north side. its a trail, its a path, it takes you somewhere. so does life... sometimes we get 'there' - sometimes we don't ... some get there with aplomb some... don't. p.s., the hike across the canyon was great, and wonderful, and a time to reflect.

my office is in beverly hills, i live in weho(west hollywood)... i love the area, but i observe every day how some folks don't 'get there' with aplomb, with dignity, with grace. i eat in CPK or ChinChin on south beverly drive in BH every day and watch the patrons. many give new meaning to the phrase Narcissist. the two restaurant companies find that if you can handle the BH patrons, you can handle any other of their locations. mostly arrogant self centered egotistical with super egos but small real egos... watching how the staff takes care of them too gets to be a kick, some handle them well, some let their own egos get in the way.

yesterday there was a dad who sat at the counter with his two kids, 11/12 ish. wow. they were polite to him, to the server, and they were nice to each other! a bro and sis, who shared small talk, offered each other some of the food, put an arm around dad once in awhile. no fights, no ego, no tantrums. even martin the server mentioned their manners. not a bad thing. i made a point of telling them they did a nice job, a positive reflection on dad and mom.

this was a nice contrast to the 11 yr old who stormed in one day, his mother was standing at the take out counter awaiting her order, Jr stormed in, put his hands on his hips and aggressively said to mother, "the parking Nazi's are out by the car, do you want me to give them a piece of my mind mother, or do you want to come out and do it?"... she was parked in the red zone, of course, holding up traffic, but... 'do you want me to give them a piece of my mind... ', not, 'mother, you need to move the car its blocking traffic'... of course, the kid knew 'red zones' were for mother to park in! and later for you Jr. when you are old enuff to drive. conditioning, training... this kid learned one way to live, and the kids above learned another... damn, ill bet the two kids in the last paragraph might have even heard mom say nice things about dad, and dad say nice things about mom, and maybe even marriage... or even something like, 'i love you kids, its great to have you', 'someday you'll have your own kids and enjoy them too', 'your mom is a great gal', 'im happy you were born'. while, parking nazi Jr. prolly has heard that 'marriage is like prison', 'your deadbeat dad is an idiot', 'kid, trust no one, everyone is out to get everyone'...

living life gracefully can be done... princess diana did it even with the amounts of money and beauty she had to deal with, she still was down to earth and appeared real... rosa parks did it, with humility, humbleness and grace and brought about great change for many... watching how folks deal with things is good, to see that some still deal well no matter what their lot in life is good, to see there are some folks who have better things to do than just attack others and blame everyone else for everything is good. humility is... good. there is GREAT strength in gentleness... and Aggressive folks are often hiding weakness with their growl and noise... afraid you will see the real loser they are inside, so they keep you at bay... Life is difficult, but not that difficult... there are simple lessons...
a few years ago, fulguhm's poem made it into the public eye... but so much is still true...

All I really need to know about how to live and what to do and how to be I learned in kindergarten.
Wisdom was not at the top of the graduate school mountain,
but there in the sandpile at Sunday School.
These are the things I learned:
Share everything.
Play fair. Don't hit people.
Put things back where you found them.
Clean up your own mess.
Don't take things that aren't yours.
Say you're sorry when you hurt somebody.
Wash your hands before you eat.
Flush.
Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you.
Live a balanced life--learn some and think some
and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work
every day some.
Take a nap every afternoon.
When you go out into the world, watch out for traffic,
hold hands, and stick together.
Be aware of wonder.
Remember the little seed in the Styrofoam cup:
The roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why,
but we are all like that. Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and
even the little seed in the Styrofoam cup--they all die. So do we.
And then remember the Dick-and-Jane books and the first word you learned
--the biggest word of all--LOOK. Everything you need to know is in there somewhere.
The Golden Rule and love and basic sanitation.
Ecology and politics and equality and sane living.
Take any one of those items and extrapolate it into
sophisticated adult terms and apply it to your family life or your work
or your government or your world and it holds true and clear and firm.

Think what a better world it would be if we all
--the whole world--had cookies and milk about three o'clock every afternoon
and then lay down with our blankies for a nap.
Or if all governments had as a basic policy to always put things back
where they found them and to clean up their own mess.
And it is still true, no matter how old you are--
when you go out into the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together.--Robert Fulghum

the lines 'Be aware of wonder' and '... LOOK' , oh wow, Awe and Wonderment are the parents of the child inside of each of us... that child inside is what keeps us young, what lets us ENJOY, lets us be creative - the adult/parent would say NO to everything, but the kid inside says 'sure u can fly, we can dance, we can BE.' don't let the child inside of you die... and that goes for you Steve, as you walk around outside - ignoring customers sure, but LOOKing at the world, the clouds, the wonderment... and Louis, as you grow from the caterpillar to the butterfly. even on south Beverly there are NICE folks who you can learn from, who are not just out to 'get somewhere', who use the phrase 'do you know who i am?', but you have some worth.

conditioning, yup, and YOU and I can help condition those who come after us, set a good example, show how to live with grace, dignity and some class... manage whatever cards you have been dealt well...
dr. g.

Happy Birthday Ross

October 29th is Ross' birthday. Some people come into our lives and leave a big imprint, some don't. Some honor our presence in their lives, some don't. In honor of Ross' life here is a section from a book I'm working on. Happy Birthday kid wherever you are.

Here is an example of someone whose time on earth has ended but who continues to impact those he had contact with, and in turn, impacts the people those he left behind deal with.

"ROSS STEWART THAYER"
... His partner, Jim, felt Ross shudder next to him in bed. It woke Jim up. It was 4:44 am on the digital clock beside the bed... Ross had just died. Jim stood up and said out loud, "this is the end of ROSS STEWART THAYER, and the end of Jim and Ross (as they had been)".

The day before, Ross’s family had been sitting around him in the bedroom. Watching and waiting... the death vigil. He was dying from AIDS. Age 29. He had stayed alert and verbal until the last few days when he slipped in and out of a coma. He could no longer speak, just look ahead hauntingly. He was there,... but slipping. He didn’t want to go, he fought death very very hard. He was internally hemorrhaging, lungs filling with blood, breathing was very difficult. His partner kept whispering to him, that it was alright to let go, that everyone understood and loved him, that he had to leave now, it was time..."please let go, please Ross, we’ll meet again... Another time, another place" ...

It is odd what difficult situations like this will bring out in people... Ross loved classical music so this very uptight, group of folks played the "1812 Overture", one of his favorites, on the stereo in the bedroom, played it loud... consciously or unconsciously, expecting him to "go" dramatically, as the music gets to its finale...flatline as the cymbals would crash... the music will crescendo... the cannons will burst ... and Ross will let go... and leave this world...what a scene... what an ending it could be to a life that had been so frustrated during its first 20 some odd years...

Ross had a difficult childhood, watching mom and dad split up and seeing his mother now have to be a "career" woman. Somewhat a shock for a society gal to punch a time clock!!! unthinkable!... Ross had school problems, smart, gifted but unable to focus. He was put into special ed where he fought the system... and life in general.

Unhappy to have been in an unhappy family, he often thought that he was being punished by whatever that thing was called... God... He plodded through school and into college. Always late, always very late. Missed classes, missed work, missed social affairs, always very very late. Very compulsive when he did things. For example, once when he and Jim first got together, he still lived out of town at his own apartment... he was to come down for dinner in the evening. He called Jim, and said he was gonna wash his car before he headed into the city, as soon as the sun went down and the car cooled off... It was a black sports car, and he wanted to wash it when the sun wouldn’t be shining on it so it wouldn’t spot and hurt the paint.
He started on the car about seven p.m. At 10 p.m., Jim had no word from Ross that he was done and on his way yet. Midnight, Jim called leaving a few messages... "where the hell are you? It’s midnight." Obviously, dinner now was out...next option a midnight snack. After pacing back and forth, Jim finally went to bed. At 5 am the phone rang... Jim was too pissed off to answer it, Ross left the message... "Oh, sorry. I just noticed the sun was starting to come up, and realized how long I’d been working on the car. I guess you’re mad and we won’t be getting together now...?" Compulsive enough to ignore the time, his obligation...and only be clued in as the sun rose in the East.

Why the compulsion, and lateness??? What Ross had learned to do in his life, what he had learned about life... was that he had no real control over the externals that had brought him into the world. No control over the choice of parents... family... And, being angry about so many issues, including these, and coming from a family that was uptight and therefore could did not express feelings... cuz, after all "it was impolite to be angry, irritated, in any way emotional"...their old English background concept of keeping a stiff upper lip through all... thick and thin ran it course.

So, Ross couldn’t control the things he wanted to control, but... he could control "time" in a sense, and he couldn’t control the disease that was slowly playing the old "pac man" game inside him, eating away at the good healthy cells in his body... and he couldn’t make himself well, nor take care of himself any better...But... he could make his car perfect. He could do all the things to the car to make it as perfect and well, as he would like himself to be now. The car represented... him... It was an extension of Ross. So while his body self destructed and withered, he still could take the time to take the taillight lenses off and clean the reflectors, remove the license plates and wash them in the dishwasher, remove every bit of dirt, then polish his car... the surrogate Ross... to perfection and show what he wished he could do for his body... and his life.

And in time, everyone realized how his lateness was passive aggressive behavior, a way of getting everyone else to act out his anger, again remember...’keep a stiff upper lip’... so he never expressed anger... but after making family and friends late for dinner reservations, missing movies and plays, missing doctor appointments, and just sitting on their thumbs...waiting... everyone around Ross was angry!!! And most expressed it. Plus, time WAS something he could control... even if it was via passive behavior. When Ross met Jim, Jim had had very few happy days in his life. But together they worked out some of their family issues since both had similar complaints. Becoming each other’s ‘healthy parent’. And little by little, they both learned what love and trust were. Issues that had been hard to define in their families.

Jim’s - alcoholic, hating life, abused as a child - mother had so long ago started to lie, that she had lost contact with what the truth was or even where it fit into life... Trust and "the truth"... was whatever you wanted it to be at the moment to make everyone ‘happy’... so, so much for trusting the sincerity or honesty of the answer... and, Jim learned that LOVE came with hooks,... a sticky thing. His mother didn’t raise him on milk, where he would have strong bones and a good body, so he could stand strong and alone go forth and face the world, but rather she raised him on honey... where the nutrients were there, but there was a stickiness to his childhood, and he would always be "stuck" to and in need of, his warped and needy family, and particularly, his mother.

Ross and Jim, as a couple, supporting each others journey, started to sort out what was going on NOW, and to focus on growing past or in spite of, their earlier childhood crap. To do this, they became each others "healthy parent". Allowing each a safe space to explore, learn, grow, while being somewhat protected, with strong well respected boundaries and support as needed.

In time, Ross’s family became very much more involved and aware of the real world, and Ross and the family grew a lot. Little by little their barriers where broken down, emotions started to surface, and be shared... and the growth happened. It was nice. Everyone got to know each other... his sister and he, his dad and he, even his mom started talking to her ex- again...though she was not quite ready to deal with his new wife...at least they were able to do family social things together again.

For Ross and Jim, things improved greatly, there was great potential for a long, respectful and respected relationship... but then along came Ross' AIDS battle. Jim often described Ross’s journey through life and death much like when one has a young cousin from the Midwest come to visit Los Angeles during the summer. The kid wants to "go to Disneyland." It is hot, muggy, crowded... the lines are endless, taking hours and hours to get on a ride. In the heat, people get cranky, a few even faint in line, parents yell at their beloved children, babies whine... not a pleasant experience... a miserable seemingly endless struggle to wait for that pleasure at the end of the line... that 2 minute exciting thrill ride. Well, as the day wears on, the heat goes down, its getting close to time for Disneyland to close... the lines get shorter, the wait is less, ... the rides happen faster... the fun and enjoyment increase... but you are tugging at the hand of your young cousin who has just "found it" saying, "Come on, its over. You gotta go."... "But, the kid says, "it’s so much fun now..."... and you have to say, "I’m sorry, its time...ya gotta go"

Now, back to that dramatic bedroom scene with the family, Ross didn’t do the proper dramatic thing, and exit stage left - with the crash of the cymbals, and the thunder of the cannons of the 1812 Overture... instead, he hung on for another 8 hours... just like the kid visiting from the midwest, who was just finding fun at Disneyland... Ross had found the key to life, friends... love..., and he was "wanting that one last ride, one last moment, ..." but at 4:44 am Thursday, January 1993, after Jim had cranked up the morphine drip a bit more, tweaked it just a little more... Jim fell asleep next to his very special friend, lover and number one fan... Ross woke him up with a shudder as he finally gave in, passed on and died, letting Jim share the moment as his warm body cooled, the life passed and ... they would have to wait to talk again, ... at another time, another place."

"ROSS STEWART THAYER, 29, died of AIDS complications on January 28, 1993 at his home in West Hollywood. Ross is survived by his partner, Dr. Jim , his mom, Helen of Tuxedo Park, NY, his dad and step mom, Bill and Eddie, and sister Tracey and brother Bill, nephews, Michael and Peter all of New Jersey. A memorial service was held in Tuxedo Park, NY, in February. Many donations to BEING ALIVE and Search Alliance (his designated AIDS organizations) have been made in his memory. The City of West Hollywood adjourned their January meeting in honor of Ross’ memory, and in celebration of his life.
Ross attended prep school and Wagner College in North Jersey and Staten Island. Later Ross moved to California to surf and unwind. He loved the beach and raced his sports car through the canyons above Malibu with a fervor. He loved baroque music, the lute, and enjoyed firework concerts at the Hollywood Bowl, yet followed the Rock music scene closely, eating and hanging at the famous rocker icon, the Rainbow Grill, on Sunset Blvd at least two nights a week with Jim. Ross and Jim traveled frequently around the U.S., most recently going back to Martha's Vineyard for one last Eastern Maine Lobster Dinner in September, during the trip he lost the last of his eyesight to Cyclomega Virus.

Ross began a renaissance in his life when he started in a support group for Long Term Survivors at Being Alive. The interaction opened up new venues for himself ...as well as his group members. Ross’s insightful comments about life and its purpose, made people think about things whether they wanted to or not! He was assertive without being aggressive. For this, he was respected and valued. He fought hard, survived long, and found himself and his full self worth completely by the time he died, surrounded and supported by friends and family. When Ross died, Jim not only lost his partner but his most trusted, understanding, caring best friend ... and fan."

... we'll finish that talk and visit, but... at another time, another place...

whatever rambles at 2:30 a.m.

good mornin...
i was just sending some emails to a few friends. most of my friends are young and i am NOT. i said to one guy who has been a server at one of my regularly frequented restaurants... "i don't want to get on yer Stalker list, but i do enjoy the social part of eating out, visiting and making some nicer friends/ acquaintances that way. i learn from you, and hopefully you get something from my crap too! my Fountain of Youth comes from folks like you who have a different perspective than the OLD FARTS my age who just talk about YESTERDAY... hmmm that was a beatles song and an Nat King COle song, and it was about... yup YESTERDAY, not about our tomorrows, nor even our todays... and i think we should live for... today and tmw, not for yesterday, yesterday we learn from, but tmw we live!..."

and yup, amazing what you/we can offer to each other. Einstein once was quoted to have said:

"Man is here for the sake of other men—
Above all, for those upon whose smile and
well-being our own happiness depends,
And also for the countless unknown souls
with whose fate we are connected by a
bond of sympathy.
Many times a day I realize how much my own
outer and inner life is built upon the
labors of my fellow men, both living and
dead and how earnestly I must exert
myself to give in return as much as I
have received.

just a smile from someone you know, or even don't know, can make a difference in a crappy day. think of how many times you might have made someone's day by just smilin. the entry i made the other day about visiting the convent, wow... we made not just the day for some, but the week and even the month or year... some of these gals in the retirement home never get visits, we WERE the VISIT. i remember back when my old great aunt expired (as in died, but folks get nervous when you really say DIED, or DEAD, but 'dirt naps' okay?). i went to texas to close great aunt marion's apartment after she died... she lived in an assisted living home for old catholic ladies. at one point we got on the elevator, and this gal got on, she was somewhere between 60 and 105, but seemingly alert, perky, and with a big smile... we were heading up to aunt marions apartment on the 10th floor. this gal got in elevator, and expressed how she was having to hurry, cuz it was saturday and she had to to up stairs to bake fresh corn bread for her son's visit. 'you know he LOVEs the smell of baking cornbread, and the taste of fresh cornbread, i always bake it for him when he come'... she had a smile, and a glint in her eye, and a purpose... i smiled back. when she got off the elevator, the other folks said quietly, 'her son hasn't been by in over 6 months'... ugh...

leave a message, give a shout, and share... ... and keep smilin.
remember,
'Sanity if for the UnImaginative',
later, dr. g.

being humbled

being aware of our humbleness is not such a bad thing. yesterday, i took a friend to the convent/retirement home at the college i am fortunate to be teaching at in brentwood, mt.st.mary's college, sisters of st.joseph carondelet. catholic, protestant, jewis, all have met nun's. our purpose yesterday was to take my friend Helen, who was wiped out in Pass Christian, MS by hurricane katrina to talk with some students and say hi to some of the nun's who had been so involved and helpful in the recovery efforts for victims of the disaster. as we were escorted to the convent, which is now a retirement home, combo assisted living to full on medical care facility, it was pointed out that we were meeting a breed of folks who were slowly becoming extinct. as i listened to the nun's share their experiences with helen who had taught for many years in a catholic high school and had an affinity for the sisters, i was struck with the loss we are experiencing. yup, there are mixed reviews by many about their experiences in
parochial schools with the stern nun's, cut yesterday i could feel the caring and feelings most had had for their students and for the lives of those kids. it was humbling to be in their presence even for myself, a non catholic.

humility ain't a bad thing, i try so hard to get that across to my group members, the narcissistic anger management/domestic violence perpetrators, humility takes strength. the sisters had learned to be humble in the shadow of their god, to listen and not shout. if we could all learn to be a little humble at times it would help so much... humble, not humiliated.

Helen Keller:
"I long to accomplish a great and noble tasks, but it is my chief duty to
accomplish humble tasks as though they were great and noble. The world is
moved along, not only by the mighty shoves of its heroes, but also by the aggregate
of the tiny pushes of each honest worker."

Rachel Carson:
"It is a wholesome and necessary thing for us to turn again to the earth and in the contemplation of her beauties to know of wonder and humility."

icon meets icon

todays generation is missing out on a very wonderful icon,
Rod McKuen. kinda a 60/70's beat generation chronicler
thru his poems and songs. to get a feel for the times,
listen to the songs. in the 70's/80's they were often song
by popular performers and gave a taste of that era.
songs/poems of feeling and emotions, observations and reflections. i met Rod a few years ago, and living in
LA/BH where we run into 'celebs' or celebs in their
own minds at the 7-11's and car washes, there are only a few high profile folks who
pulse me... Rod is one, and last week, i got to take him to the ELLEN show to meet
another icon. wow, two powerful folks who are weaving their legacy, impacting our lives whether we realize it at times or not. powerful stuff. check out Rod's website at http://www.mckuen.com/index.htm. if you do not recognize the name, ask yer
mom, dad, aunt... they will, and you will in time.

depression, a good sign???

DEPRESSION... a Good Sign????

CAN DEPRESSION EVER BE VIEWED AS A GOOD THING? Recently, I heard a lecturer state that Depression is a good sign. It stopped me in my tracks and started me thinking that there was no way at all that such a negative thing as Depression, that takes so much of our productive life away, and costs so much to treat, could ever be a positive asset.

I was wrong! AND I WAS ABLE SEE HOW IT COULD APPLY TO MY DOMESTIC VIOLENCE BATTERERS’ AND ANGER MANAGEMENT PERPETRATORS. It helps my counselors and I further understand our clients as well as use it as a tool to teach the members of the groups about themselves.
HOW DOES DEPRESSION EARN THE TITLE OF A GOOD SIGN? Going back to our Psych 101 classes and Kubler-Ross’ (DABDA). She defined DABDA as a process of stages that people go through in dealing with terminal illnesses.... but... it can be applied very well to the stages in a destructive violent relationship too. And to the anger management perpetrator who is sure they never get angry....


DABDA stands for-
D enial
A nger
B argaining
D EPRESSION
A cceptance

Domestic Violence Perpetrators are in DENIAL for years that the relationship is either not functioning well, violent (emotionally, verbally, sexually or economically) even if not physically violent, or that the relationship is OVER! And they should move on. As long as the person is getting their needs met - whether sexual, or the need to be in a dysfunctional situation - they will deny its over. Yet when it really is over, they are the first ones to say, "Every one told me our relationship was doomed." Or, "I should have left 6 months earlier."
Anger Management perpetrators are always sure they can handle their tempers and are in denial of their true anger, and rage. Rage is anger out of control.

WHEN WE ARE BUSY DENYING, WE DON’T HAVE TIME TO WORK ON THE ISSUES AND WE AVOID SEEING THE ISSUES THAT NEED TO BE WORKED ON.
No growth at that point!

The ANGER stage is ultimately what brings our clients the attention of the court. Blame, accusations. Arguing over little things that take them away from the REAL issues in the relationship or in the way they handle confrontation. AND when you are mad, you don’t think clearly. No place for growth here!

BARGAINING is next, when the couple starts to offer options, like... ‘you can go bowling 2 nights a month, and I will go out with my friends 2 nights a month’; lighting a few extra candles at church, bargaining with god to bring the relationship back to a comfortable spot... Again, not a time of clear thinking and positive work on the relationship, or on personal issues.

But, when we get to DEPRESSION, and all seems lost, when every avenue has been pursued -denial, fighting, trying options to save the relationship - then, and ONLY then, will GOOD STUFF happen! THEN the person will have to think about what has happened. Let their feelings come out, deal with the reality of the situation. So Depression is a good sign becasue now there is the chance the person will start to work on their issues and not just blame, deny and bargain! They will start looking at real options, and take some real action. Reading a self help book, asking for help and guidance/counseling, recognizing something has to be done.

ACCEPTANCE does not mean someone embraces and loves the results, but does mean accepting the reality of the situation. In best case scenarios, this is when the couple decides to separate and recognize they were not made for each other, and leave as friends. Its when the individual seeks help for the answers to the cause of their rage and anger. Its when each person in a relationship starts to own their own issues and what they ‘bring to the table’.

And the individual starts to finally ’hear’ what everyone has been telling them about their attitude and demeanor.
Bottom line, when we reach Depression, it really is a good sign, because it means it is now time to deal with reality and not stay clouded in Anger, Denial, and desperate attempts at Bargaining, trying to save an unhealthy situation, but a time to Grow and Move ON.

saturday the 14th

still trying to get this linking easily with my website... but...
inside everyone is there really a nice person? politically correct folks always say yes. it is a question i pose in my domestic violence/ anger management groups every once in a while as a good discussion topic. dont some folks just suck? in my beverly hills office neighborhood there are two chain restaurants. i like to listen to the server/manager comments. one manager mentioned that his chain likes to send new managers to this store to see if they make it there, cuz if they can handle the naricissism and arrogance of b.hills patrons, they can handle any place. b.h. clients are so good for reminding the servers 'do you know who i am?'... as if that gave an excuse for their rudeness... one of my favorite things was sitting at the counter one day at cpk, watching a young kid (11ish) come in, go to the take out counter where his mother was picking up her order - "mother the parking nazi's is trying to give you a ticket, do you want me to go out and give her a piece of my mind or do you want to come out and do it?"... she was parked in the redzone, impeding traffic... but junior had already been taught the mom and he were special, that the red zone was for them, the laws for others. he should have come in and suggested mom move her car... ugh... naricissism runs rampant in all areas, but so much in b.h. i watch new servers come in and either get hardened, or... sink. its okay to be nice as a server, but they have set boundaries often in the neighborhood. in my program i see this over and over, the law/rules apply to 'them', not to me.
dr. g.
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saturday

been trying all day to get blogger thing working... and will try this site... I want to post things from my office and website... give feedback, and vent at 3 a.m. in the morning.