depression, a good sign???

DEPRESSION... a Good Sign????

CAN DEPRESSION EVER BE VIEWED AS A GOOD THING? Recently, I heard a lecturer state that Depression is a good sign. It stopped me in my tracks and started me thinking that there was no way at all that such a negative thing as Depression, that takes so much of our productive life away, and costs so much to treat, could ever be a positive asset.

I was wrong! AND I WAS ABLE SEE HOW IT COULD APPLY TO MY DOMESTIC VIOLENCE BATTERERS’ AND ANGER MANAGEMENT PERPETRATORS. It helps my counselors and I further understand our clients as well as use it as a tool to teach the members of the groups about themselves.
HOW DOES DEPRESSION EARN THE TITLE OF A GOOD SIGN? Going back to our Psych 101 classes and Kubler-Ross’ (DABDA). She defined DABDA as a process of stages that people go through in dealing with terminal illnesses.... but... it can be applied very well to the stages in a destructive violent relationship too. And to the anger management perpetrator who is sure they never get angry....


DABDA stands for-
D enial
A nger
B argaining
D EPRESSION
A cceptance

Domestic Violence Perpetrators are in DENIAL for years that the relationship is either not functioning well, violent (emotionally, verbally, sexually or economically) even if not physically violent, or that the relationship is OVER! And they should move on. As long as the person is getting their needs met - whether sexual, or the need to be in a dysfunctional situation - they will deny its over. Yet when it really is over, they are the first ones to say, "Every one told me our relationship was doomed." Or, "I should have left 6 months earlier."
Anger Management perpetrators are always sure they can handle their tempers and are in denial of their true anger, and rage. Rage is anger out of control.

WHEN WE ARE BUSY DENYING, WE DON’T HAVE TIME TO WORK ON THE ISSUES AND WE AVOID SEEING THE ISSUES THAT NEED TO BE WORKED ON.
No growth at that point!

The ANGER stage is ultimately what brings our clients the attention of the court. Blame, accusations. Arguing over little things that take them away from the REAL issues in the relationship or in the way they handle confrontation. AND when you are mad, you don’t think clearly. No place for growth here!

BARGAINING is next, when the couple starts to offer options, like... ‘you can go bowling 2 nights a month, and I will go out with my friends 2 nights a month’; lighting a few extra candles at church, bargaining with god to bring the relationship back to a comfortable spot... Again, not a time of clear thinking and positive work on the relationship, or on personal issues.

But, when we get to DEPRESSION, and all seems lost, when every avenue has been pursued -denial, fighting, trying options to save the relationship - then, and ONLY then, will GOOD STUFF happen! THEN the person will have to think about what has happened. Let their feelings come out, deal with the reality of the situation. So Depression is a good sign becasue now there is the chance the person will start to work on their issues and not just blame, deny and bargain! They will start looking at real options, and take some real action. Reading a self help book, asking for help and guidance/counseling, recognizing something has to be done.

ACCEPTANCE does not mean someone embraces and loves the results, but does mean accepting the reality of the situation. In best case scenarios, this is when the couple decides to separate and recognize they were not made for each other, and leave as friends. Its when the individual seeks help for the answers to the cause of their rage and anger. Its when each person in a relationship starts to own their own issues and what they ‘bring to the table’.

And the individual starts to finally ’hear’ what everyone has been telling them about their attitude and demeanor.
Bottom line, when we reach Depression, it really is a good sign, because it means it is now time to deal with reality and not stay clouded in Anger, Denial, and desperate attempts at Bargaining, trying to save an unhealthy situation, but a time to Grow and Move ON.